Long drive, short conversation

You know those times when you think you’re going to be cool about finding out about some unflattering trait you have? And you’re not? Not even a little—because it’s REALLY EMBARASSING?

I had one of those times during a long car ride last Friday (specifically, in the Steak N’ Shake drive through…I know, I know. Let’s just throw all dignity out the window now.):

A: Ahh, of course. The mocha shake. I know you all too well. You know, it’s really interesting how when you’re in a relationship for a while, you get to know everything about each other. And you kind of get used to each others’ quirks.

M: Such as?

A: Oh, I don’t know. Like, I’m used to the way you only eat one thing on the plate at a time, or how you hate warm cookies.

M: Ok, right. Like how you’ll sometimes eat cold egg rolls for breakfast.

A: Exactly! I know that the skin on your right eyelid gets dry. But only the right one.

M: Yeah, and when you get all excited and talking, you get this spit bubble in the corner of your mouth.

A: I do NOT!

M: ….Um, yeah, you definitely do.

A: …

M: …

A: Really? Right here?

M: No, other side. There.

A: And this is something that happens often? Regularly? As in, you noticed this and still carried on dating me?

M: Pretty much. It’s probably because you do that stupid retainer voice. (this is an AWESOME voice my friend Shannon and I do where we clench our jaws and suck back our essses like we’re talking through a retainer. She is much better at it than I am. Marc passionately HATES it, which encourages me to do it that much more often.) You’re like that cautionary tale about making an ugly face and having it stick. Ha! You did this to yourself!

This is terrible. Ever since, I’ve found my fingers wandering up to the corners of my mouth to check for saliva. I’ve quizzed some friends, but no one will cop to ever noticing any spit bubbles.

Well, at least I can probably trust him to at some point say, “Yes, Alison, your ass DOES in fact look fat in those jeans.”